


Forever... (is a long time)

by evantheworm



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Songfic, angst without a happy ending this time, cause i'm incapable of writing these boys in anything that isn't the 70s 80s or 90s, skysolo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24183190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evantheworm/pseuds/evantheworm
Summary: "On this song, I’m falling in love. The instrumental is major, all these beautiful twinkling tones, and birds are singing, everything’s sweet […] The piano comes in and it’s this stream-of-consciousness train of thought that modulates from major to minor to show my mood shifting from optimistic to anxious." -Ashley Frangipane
Relationships: Luke Skywalker/Han Solo
Kudos: 8





	Forever... (is a long time)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this cause I was sad and I love Halsey's music. Normally my angst has a happy ending but this one doesn't so hopefully it's still good. Also I didn't proofread, F in the chat for all my mistakes. Anyways, please enjoy. I hope you have a good day/night. Thanks for reading.

_I spent a long time watering a plant made out of plastic  
And I cursed the ground for growing green_

Han wiped his greasy hands on his jeans, adding to the stains that already littered them. He threw the wrench in his hand on the ground, letting the sound of metal hitting concrete flood his ears and block out his thoughts. 

_I spent a long time substituting honest with sarcastic  
And I cursed my tongue for being mean_

He wanted to put his knuckles through a wall or cry into the wall until he couldn’t anymore. Or maybe both. But no amount of distraction could stop the words playing on loop in his head. Words he couldn’t take back. Words he spent trying to protect himself and ended up just hurting the people he loved and himself. Because, as hard as he tried, he couldn’t make fuck you say I love you. 

_And weightless, breathless restitute  
Motionless and absolute  
You cut me open, sucked the poison from an aging wound_

It was always the same. Never letting himself get too close. It was okay to hurt someone else if you were saving yourself, but he knew he didn’t believe that, he wanted to, but he didn’t, not really. But old habits die hard. He always ran, always distanced. So why was it different this time? Why was it hard to run away from a short blond with bright blue eyes that somehow got to his soul? 

_Now fifty thousand war cadets  
Would cower at this small brunette  
To my surprise, not six feet high  
Who'd reach and grab the moon if I  
Should ask or just imply  
That I wanted a bit more light_

Being alone was easy. It’s what he’d always done, even when he was little. The only person he’d let close he knew wasn’t going to leave. He was strong and perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He didn’t need anyone. He’d be fine, like he always was. 

_So I could look inside his eyes  
And get the colors just right  
Just right, just right, just_

But would he? Could he take care of himself without the boy he wouldn’t let himself love, but oh, he loved even so? Those eyes that sparkled in the light and reflected the moon. That could, somehow, unlock all of Han’s secrets with a single look. But his eyes were bright and Han’s eyes were dark and scarred, seen too much. Too haunted for a young boy with a future waiting for him. They held too much emptiness for someone who held the universe. He would never be enough, not for Luke Skywalker who deserved the world. He just couldn’t be enough. 

_Build love, build God, build provinces  
Build calluses, break promises  
'Cause I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it_

Han hadn’t loved in a long time. Not without walls higher and bigger than his whole body. There were cracks in it now, but they were reparable. He knew no one could have access inside them. Not without being beaten and broken and bruised. If he really loved Luke, he couldn’t let him get hurt. Especially not by him. 

_What am I thinking? What does this mean?_  
How could somebody ever love me?  
Talk to your man, tell him he's got bad news comin' 

He, sighed, he knew he couldn’t fight it anymore. He had to leave, he had to go, he had to protect Luke. He walked to the tiny payphone across the street and dialed Luke’s number and pushed the tears that threatened to spill, back down into the pit of his stomach where they rocked like a tiny boat on the ocean during a storm. 

“Hello?” The tears pushed back up like a tidal wave at that voice that reeked of warmth and comfort.

“Luke.”

“Han? What the hell? Where have you been?”

Han felt the waves lap at his eyes, trying to get his voice to say what he needed it to. “Luke.” He repeated. “I’m so sorry.”

“What? Han, what are you, what’s going on?” The panicked edge to his voice cut Han harder than a knife.

“I have to go, Luke.”

“Go where?” The whispered question crackled in the receiver. He knew, Han knew he did, and it only made it harder. 

“Luke—”

“Han please. I love you.”

“I’m sorry.”


End file.
